All This Time

Sometimes, I got pretty really optimist. And soooo positive that I scared my own innerself. Shocked. What the hell I'm feeling, sooo not used to this. I'd rather be sad than be super happy, can't handle this thump-thump in my heart. Feel bad also; hellloooo girl, there are lots of people that are poor and sad, kau boleh happy macam ni?

They said there are two types of tears. One is cold and another is warm. Warm? No, its hot. Really amazing, how it differs based on your heart; the way you feel for that spesific cause. You may cry for the same reason, but the feel has changed with times. No man, you can't lie. Tears don't lie. And you will know exactly one day how does it feels. One day-- when you can let go of things that are beyond control. One day.(InsyaAllah)

And today is my first paycheck after 2 months plus the raya bonus. Ya Allah, i feel really thankful and grateful. Though some part of me sighs because yeah mom has gone, what else left? All my desires to make her happy with my own sweats burnt. (Sighs again). And I wonder, why did she has to go so sooon. Everytime, I ask this and I knew there will never be an answer, because well we live to die anyway and I hate myself for this stupid question that clouds over my head again and again.(Kick the wall)

Awesome workplace and workmates really contributes major part in my healing phase. Before I start this working era, I've got every worst imagination played in my head. What if his and that bla bla bla. Turns out, its not. At the moment lah. I don't know lah later at kuala terengganu hows, i hope i am okay there too. Or am I that senseless or not care enough? Or naive? Don't think so. Almost always excited after finish working day, probably because I feel useful and hence the reason to continue living, rise again. Truly, have never been super excited like this, thinking of leaving them this August makes me crashed already.

It has been a longggg time, and well I think I need to travel again. Always in need to be on run. Planning the journey. Packing things. Get out of routines. Solving all the unexpected things. Connect with mysteries. Talking to some strangers. Being lost and found. Acing with times to board on train, bus and flights. Sometimes being left. Sometimes win. Random places that caught my heart. Fall in love, but never meet again. Feeling thankful but can't repay enough. Being away, just to return again. Being in love, just to love more. Oh, I want all those crazy things to happen again. Ah, hopefully the chances are mine again.

Alhamdulillah.
Tonight, it rains heavily, thunderstorm and lightnings. My day is complete. Indeed, with the hardships come the eases.