Pregnant

So, I am pregnant now. Not so good, the 24hrs sickness, vomitting, the nauseated, bloated, headache, tiredness, intolerate to food, hungry and so on so on. Sucks. This is my second one, the first one had miscarried. And I think I have a little bit of trauma from the previous one, so I was so anxious with this one. Afraid and all the bad feelings haunted me. Plus, I am all alone while my husband is at Kedah -.-

I don't want to go back home because I am not that comfortable to ask for their help. So, I just live alone here and try to get all my tekak-can-go food by myself. Kalau balik pun, bukannya orang paham dan lalu nak layan permintaan kita. I dont want people to misunderstand me as being manja or spoiled.

So, maghrib tadi, ada la termenangis sikit. Sebab entahlah, maybe penat kot dengan keadaan diri sendiri yang serba tak larat. I do hate myself too. Apatah lagi tanggapan orang lain. I try my best to be as strong as possible. And I am all alone! Sometimes I feel like Allah always put me in this kind of situation of I-have-nobody-just-be-strong-on-your-own.

Tired.
Annoyed.
With everyone.

Yeh, I think I am all alone supporting myself.
Did I choose the wrong decision?
Am I wrong?
With so many choices I had, why there is none ideal?
Am I demanding?
Am I hormonal?

And with all the problems.............................
I am only human
No power at all

I just pray so Allah will lift my burden and reward me with happiness forever and ever.
With all my weakness, I hope Allah will  always here taking care of me.

I hope that one day, the hikmah will be shown. Because I am too tired to forecast.

I really missed myself when I was in Jordan. Where everything was so open ended, and I live there in my imagination full of dreams. It was not that bright, but I can see the light. There is always you back in my mind. Bring me hope when nobody else does.

Why did Allah has to take my mother too early. I have nobody to refer to. :'(